Two people meet, they find an unusual electricity flowing between them, they delight each other with eyes that are always aware of each other, until one day, until one day they directly add themselves to the Abyss situation in another form.
What to do?
In 1951, as the cold war was wreaking havoc on the world, a pioneering psychologist Carl R. Rogers . Since he is human (public library) – An investigation into the crux of misunderstanding and the remedy that, as active in love as it is in war, revealed the same psychological forces that unite under our blood relations.
Many people, Rogers notes, turn to therapy because communication within them has decreased and, therefore, their communication with others has been driven from the awareness of those who do not know anything, no longer able to communicate with the conflict that comes from all close relationships. (There is a destructive taste of righteousness when we think we see clearly the inner arrows of another, we cut them and all the time from our receiving part, the sharp shame is sharp and dry to the bone at 4 in the morning)
All the while, we cling to our frames of reference as the means to protect our shy unity. This, Rogers notes – this “tendency to respond to any spiritually meaningful statement by constructing an evaluation of it from our perspective” – is a serious obstacle to communication. You write:
The biggest obstacle in communicating with others through communication is naturally judging, evaluating, approving or disapproving, the statement of another person, or narrowing down to what is involved in those situations where feelings and emotions are involved. Therefore, the stronger our feelings, the more likely that there will be no mutual thing in communication … each [is] Making a judgment, an assessment, from its own frame of reference.
In light of the Buddhist plan for relationship repair, he takes a different approach:
Real communication happens, and this tendency to evaluate is avoided, when we listen with understanding. What does this mean? It means to see the expressed opinion and attitude from another person's point of view, to feel how it is sympathetic, to fulfill his frame of reference in relation to the thing he is talking about.
Stated so briefly, this may sound simple, but it is not.
At the heart of Shift are rogers words “Powerful understanding – understanding and a person, not in relation to he. ”
In order to understand the difference from the inside, he proposes a “Mini-Laboratory” situation:
The next time you get into an argument with your wife, or a friend, or a small group of friends, just stop the conversation for a moment and check this rule. “Each person can speak for himself only after re-attacking the thoughts and feelings of the previous speaker accurately, and it will mean that he has succeeded in his opinion, to gain his thoughts and feelings so well that he knew them well. It sounds easy … but if you try it, you will find it one of the most difficult things you have ever tried to do. However, if you have been able to see the other's point of view, your views will have to be revised a lot. You will also find emotions from the conversation, reduced differences, and differences that are always of a reasonable kind and understandable.
Being at the right level is the first of the three elements of good health, Rogers adds:
This process can deal with the toxicity, defensive exaggeration, lies, “false” lies that appear in almost all communication failures. This defensive distortion is decreasing at an alarming rate as people discover that the only purpose is to understand, not to judge.
The most thoughtful part of his approach is to insist that “it can be started by one group, without waiting for the other to be ready” – One hand held at the edge may be enough to disappear into the abyss. And yet it takes a lot of courage to do that, because it takes a lot of risk. Roger writes:
If you really understand another person in this way, if you are willing to enter his private world and see how life appears to him, without trying to make evaluative judgments, you run the risk of being changed. You may see his way, you may find yourself influencing your attitudes or personality. This risk of change is one of the most frightening prospects for us to face.
The Abyss always strikes between us. But if we look down upon the cliffs of judgment in understanding, we may find ourselves changed generationally; We can find that at the bottom of it is just love.
