There are few things in life more upsetting than seeing potential in someone you love and seeing them fail again and again, tripping over and over again in the same ways of character and behavior, behaving painfully below what you know they are capable of.
What to do?
The problem of how people change is the eternal problem of life. Changing our own ways of being is hard enough, it's enough confusion and vulnerability; changing the other is almost impossible and, if trying too hard or pretending to be right, is dangerous for both parties. But if a respectful and loving relationship between two people is based on “refining the truths they can tell each other,” then holding a mirror to correct course is an act of love. And while this can be a gentle and lasting gift to give, if viewed in the wrong way the gift can feel like a bomb where the other person mounts a defense so strong that the relationship itself can crumble in the face of the conflict.
The way to make sure our answer falls on listening ears is what the Japanese samurai answered the Zen priest Yamamoto Tsunetomo (1659–1719) explores part of his past history Hakagure (public library) – a collection of his teachings published after his death, which also gave us his immortal guide to living life to the fullest by dying every day.
Considering the need for this feedback loop, the urgency with which we need it, he writes:
We cannot easily correct our mistakes and weaknesses as they are dyed deep within us… Giving a person's perspective and correcting their mistakes is important. It is compassionate and prioritizes matters of service. But the way to do this is very difficult.
An era before Joan Didion warned us not to make the mistake of pretending to be morally righteous, Tsunetomo warns that it is unkind to flag up wrongdoing in a state of superiority:
Finding a person's good and bad points is easy, and giving an opinion about them is easy, too. Many times, people think they are being kind by saying things that others find offensive or difficult to say. But if it is not well received… [it] it is useless.
Recognizing that defamation is an ineffective tool for change, he offers a tactical field guide for a fruitful response:
In order to give someone an idea you must first judge well whether that person is in a position to receive it or not. You have to get close to them and earn their trust. To talk about topics that are interesting to them, find the best way to speak and be understood well. Judge the time, and decide if it's better with a book or during a break. Praise their good qualities and use everything to encourage them, maybe by talking about your mistakes in a way that allows them to think for themselves. Let them receive this as a dry man receives water, and it will be a vision that will right the wrongs.
Couple that with pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers on how to bridge a communication breakdown, then revisit this piece of constructive criticism in Margaret Fuller's book on rejecting a young Thoreau.
